Through a shaky voice and tears I taught my first sun salutation. Although my classmates and teachers were unwavering in their support, the emotional breakdown happened again the next time I was called up to teach.
For decades I never told anyone and no one ever mentioned a word about it. Russell continued to be a part of our lives. Our families spent nearly every weekend and holiday together with our grandparents. Being the oldest, Russell was treated as an adult. He joined the ROTC, got good grades, and was on a path to success. He was an important member of our family, and I learned to keep quiet and shove down my feelings.
With a sigh, I take solace in the fact that I’m capable of handling near every situation. I know this comforts him, a peace of mind that I’m able to care for hearth and home, while he defends them.
Some artists want to capture something of my essence, but most want to capture my body as it is, in all its mundanity. If it's beautiful, it’s the subtle beauty of the everyday, like a mug of coffee or a bowl of fruit. No doubt the body is beautiful in a unique way, but it’s a beauty that, even though I can see it in others, I often fail to recognize in myself.
If it’s true that for daughters growing up in a patriarchal culture, there is a feeling of having to choose between being empowered and being loved, I had chosen the loneliness of empowerment.
Mother wound: aisle five.
Little boy, if circumstances were different, I might have had you. I might have weathered being sick for nine months straight. But I didn’t believe I could survive what my life had become and hold you above it.
All I can think is that if my community left me, if this light of human life had never gathered around me, I would flop over like a wet noodle. I would spend days staring at my shoes. I would have nothing but my belly button to write about. But even a belly button tells the story of at least two.
Like my mom, I’ve spent my life volunteering for progressive causes and I’m also an artist. And a mom. I never thought I was smart enough or qualified to run for public office, but I was totally taken by the idea and by Vicky’s confidence in me.
Was there ever a space where my body was nothing but a placeholder?
That when I wrapped my lips around your tongue, the depth of my flesh was nothing but a barometer.
